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I Told You Everything

I used to be so confused. When I finally figured it out, though, it all made sense. I knew there had to be a reason for me to act this way, as irrational as I can be. There had to be some motive that started it all. All of the obsession and idealization, there had to be something that made me enjoy you so much, but I had no idea what it was.

And then one day, it hit me:

I loved you.

I didn't know what love felt like until then. An overflow of so many emotions followed.

Relief. Confusion. Happiness. Sadness. Bliss. Terror. Everything all at once.

I was happy to finally figure it out, but then I realized that this could be bad. It could end terribly. It will end terribly. But I knew I had to tell you eventually. Or I could hide it forever, and never say anything in order to keep things the way they are. If I told you, you would leave me. You'd hate me and never want to see me again. You'd think I was a disgusting creep.

But I knew if I didn't tell you, you'd never understand why I act this way. So I decided I would take the risk.

I did it. I told you. I told you everything.

I thought everything would be okay. I thought you would understand, and maybe even say you were thinking the same thing. But then I got your response.

The feeling was unimaginable, like being suffocated underneath a fallen building. I couldn't breathe. I knew this would happen, but I didn't think it would really happen.

I didn't want to exist. I felt like I didn't deserve to exist after that. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to tear my face off. I couldn't sleep that night. And I still had to see you the next morning.

I couldn't even look at you without tearing up. I just wanted to go back home and tell myself how little I deserved to live. I didn't want to talk to you ever again so that I wouldn't risk making things even worse.

I don't remember what happened after that day, and I can't remember how we got to the point we're at now. I still can't believe that you'd eventually love me back, despite everything you said.